BITS & PIECES OF A MISPLACED LIFE: SEX

"When I was growing up, we had a petting zoo, and well, we had two sections. We had a petting zoo, and then we had a heavy petting zoo, for people who really liked animals a lot."
                             Ellen De Generis
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FROM ANN LANDERS' COLUMN ABOUT

"The bride who phoned her mother on her honeymoon to say she was on her way home. Her husband waa a mortician and confessed that he could enjoy sex only with women who were dead or pretended to be. He instructed her to lie in a bathtub filled with very cold water for at least 20 minutes, then come to bed and pretend she was dead."

"Ann Landers Readers' 10 Most Unusual Problems" in
The New Book of Lists by David Wallechinsky (New York: Canongate, 2005)
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INCREASING SEXUAL AROUSAL

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
                           Frank Sinatra

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THE OUTLINE GUIDE TO THE KAMA SUTRA

If you are going to read the Kama Sutra, be sure to read the whole book from cover to cover. Do not read a plot
synopsis or an Outline Guide. I had some general idea
about contortist positions, but women were inevitably disappointed that I had neglected the finer points of love-making,  Foreplay -- what is that?
   Of course when I was young and dating, there were the
initials GU, standing for a person who lived too far away and therefore was Geographically Undesireable. The I
met a beautiful young woman who said I was AU. "You
mean I am Golden." "No," she said. "Absolutely undesirable."

LJP

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"I have so much cybersex, my baby's first words will be,
"You've got mail"
                                 Paula R. Hawkins

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 ON BEING ONE'S WIFE'S BUSINESS MANAGER

"Being a strong woman and having a strong marriage
don't necessarily go together. I could give you a list
of strong women who had husbands that were like
valets. I once asked a friend who managed his wife,
'Do you ever have sex with her?' 'Only,' he said, 'if
it will further her career.'"

Alan King, with Chris Chase. The Life and Lies of Alan
King: Name-Dropping (New York: Scribners, 1996)
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"Japanese women inherit their breasts from their fathers."
            
                          Tamayo Otsuki
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DO NOT EAT THE ARENOTLICON BRUTE

"There is an animal which is called hyena in Greek and the
brute in Latin. The Law said, 'Thou shalt not eat the brute,
nor anything similar to it' (cf. Lev. 11:27). This animal is
an Arenotelicon (hermaphrodite) , that is an alternate male-female, at one time it becomes a male, at another a female, and it is unclean because it has two natures."
              from the Physiologus

Charles Stewart. Demons and the Devil. (Princeton University Press, 1991)

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"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful, and natural experiences money can buy."
                                                  Steve Martin
D.H. LAWRENCE 

D. H. Lawrence –
Censors showing great abhorrence
Toward Lady Chatterly’s Lover,
Drooled over it from cover to cover.

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" The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less."
     
                                   Brendan Behan
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ON THE SEX LIVES OF MOSS

 "Moss sperm are produced in great numbers, but each tiny cell has a vanishingly small chance of ever finding an egg.Unlike the peepers who call so strenuously to their mates, moss sperm have no signal to guide them to their destination and so swim at random in the water film. Most are simply lost in the labyrinth of leaves."

Robin Wall Kimmerer. Gathering Moss: A study of A Natural and Cultural History of Mosses(Corvallis: Oregon State University Press, 2003)
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 ON READING PEYTON PLACE

"The wives traded copies of Peyton Place,
a steamy novel about sex and feminism..."
                   Jill Lepore.  If/Then
Seated on the floor
Between her bed & the wall,
My sister Leslie
Was reading Peyton Place

When my grandmother,
Who shared the room
With my two sisters,
Caught her in the act

"I am glad to know you, Mrs. MacKenzie,"
said Rossi, and he thought, Very glad to
know you, baby. I want to know you a lot
better, on a bed, for instance, with that blond
hair spread out a pillow."

& demanded that she go
Straight to Catholic Church,
Our Lady of something or other,
To confess the sin

Of having fires in the blood,
Fires any adolescent had,
That is, if a person was 
Lucky enough to live that long.


Louis Phillips





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